Journey with Codependence

Ahh, what a time I have had in these last 7-8 years, heightening my awareness, through multiple friendships and romances, how my immature adult is wanting the things I didn't get as a child in a behavior pattern known to some, but a term shunned by many, as codependence. I have read 4 or 5 books about codependence, love addiction, the wounded heart, and women who love too much. They all have a common theme, that as children we were not wholly accepted exactly how we were and our parents wanted us to be a bit different, or just didn't see us and appreciate us as we already were.

According to Pia Mellody (a recognized expert at the phenomenon and treatment of it with an energy of positive acceptance and love) the signs of codependence in immature adult are:

1. Trouble valuing the self from within. Needing to get self-value from being wanted by others.
2. Personal boundary problems. Put up walls, or the opposite.
3. Difficulty being authentic about our feelings, needs and wants.
4. Difficulty attending to our own personal needs and wants, and having difficulty with interdependence.
5. Lacks an attitude of ‘moderation in all things.’ We may over- (or under-) indulge in eating, drinking, socializing, working, exercising etc.

and here is my understanding of what creates codependence patterns:

1. child was not treated as precious - child was ignored or abused
2. child was not treated as perfect as she is now- but expected to act certain way according to social norms, parental molding etc. 
3. child was not treated as dependent - her needs were not recognized, or were not important, and was expected to take care of herself or her parents either emotionally or physically. 
4. child was not treated as immature - was expected to do things inappropriate to her age, or was punished for acting her immature self
5. child was not treated as vulnerable - she wasn't protected, or certain healthy emotional boundaries were not created

I am starting to connect the dots between some fears and beliefs I have about myself, and what I experienced in childhood. I defintely experience all of the adult behaviors listed above, and can say that I also experienced all of the childhood experiences listed in the second list.  I don't want to go through my childhood experiences and traumas here now, but I listed out about 19 of them for a therapist I found a month ago, that specializes in helping clients using Pia Mellody's approach with practices, processes and work for recovery. 

Today I am feeling more connected to this awareness and process for myself after feeling some rejection by a friend whose family I know very well and had welcomed me to participate in their dynamics, which were very codependent so I felt super comfortable, happy and anxious at the same time. But lately I have felt that friend and the family being very distant and it's triggering some very big feelings of being unimportant and inconsequential. So my motivation in life drops when this happens and it turns into powerlessness. I feel powerless and go into a mode of doing things around the house to keep active at a level that is familiar and just like my mother who is a cleaning addict.

I notice I am having negative thoughts. I had a session with a therapist about managing Automatic Negative Thoughts... One of mine comes up after some romantic failures. I go to a place thinking that I am worthless. I finally realized, this is not healthy or normal, where did this come from?? I don't want to feel this way, and it doesn't really make sense that I feel this way when one man decides not to communicate with me anymore. 

I want to move beyond the stories of childhood and be in my adult self. The 5-step process is to 1. Grow up, 2. Face reality, 3. Grieve what I didn't have growing up, 4. Learn to parent myself, and 5. Learn to forgive. 

I have been doing a lot of #3 and #4 these last few months... I will look more at what the others are about. Pia Mellody's books are smart, relatable, not negative, and have useful tools. I don't feel broken or less than others. I feel happy to know what is happening and how to really feel into what is happening so I can more deeply heal and be happier in my life with positive thinking that is genuine. I feel more connected to the Divine, God, feeling the unconditional acceptance of that big huge force that is total love for all of us beings human or not!