In May of this year I embarked on a six day road trip to New Mexico where I would join a group of women to co-create a Vision Fast experience. For me, I was looking for a way to mark the end of a 2.5 year hiatus from the worldly material life of employment... a hiatus spent in trips to India and internal exploration and realization of my past trauma.
A hiatus spent questioning work life, who I choose for friends, why I fall in love, my need for validation, how to cultivate self-love, how my house can consume my attention, why I eat when I'm not hungry, my fear of what others think, my aging body, why I deny myself time for creativity, how to care for my mother, how I want to connect to myself and to God, what Christianity, Vedic philosophy, Buddhism, and Krishna consciousness have to teach about those things, practicing life coaching, and mostly, how I am being called to be in service.
I still hadn't made a plan or any major decisions. I wanted some direction and some confidence about at least a few areas of life. In my previous explorations of shamanic traditions I had heard about Vision Fast tradition and had wanted to do it. So in Spring of this year I found the Women's Vision Fast organized by the School of Lost Borders. When I read the online description I knew that these people were the real deal. Sincere honest spiritually connected people that were in service to people's process, not posturing or marketing to garner the most participants. Their fees were reasonable, and their website was basic, with emphasis on the verbal content, not design or purchase process. I felt connected and confident enough to sign up.
I allowed myself 6 days to drive the 24 hours to the Santa Fe area, stopping to camp alone by the coast in Florida, spending 2 days in rural quiet gracious historic St. Francisville, Louisiana, spending 2 days in a canyon of West Texas, and then arriving the night before at a campground in Cochiti Lake, NM. I allowed myself this time to be with myself. I enjoyed my own company as I explored a historic cemetery and some sleepy sprawling plantations.
I enjoyed the books on CD during the 5 to 6 hours of driving each day. Between the trip out and the one back, I listened to: 1) "7 Habits of Highly Effective People" by Stephen R. Covey; 2) I tried "Care of the Soul" by Thomas Moore but stopped halfway through the first CD very uninspired after listening to S. Covey; 3) The Power of Vulnerability by Brene Brown; and 4) Autobiography of a Yogi by Paramahansa Yogananda. Listening to these 3 books was in itself a valuable experience as I drove down highways in some of the most beautiful places I have ever been, having a lot of realizations about myself and about life!
The morning after I arrived at Cochiti Lake campground overlooking the largest blackest berm wall I have ever seen (retaining a giant reservoir), I gathered with the ladies in our first circle to share about why we were here; to share our individual reasons for wanting to be alone on the land. We were five participant women, ages 25 to 50, with two elder guides, Emerald North and Margaret Thompson, and two assistants, Galaxy and Kim Allen.
The elder guides spoke about accessing our own deep internal wisdom and being on the land to connect with it. They shared about the medicine wheel of the 4 shields. The south shield is the childhood, based in the body, discovering the self (red). The west shield is the adolescence, going inside where it is dark to choose what from childhood we want to keep and what we want to leave behind (black). The north shield is the adulthood, where we are in action in the world (white). The east shield is elderhood, or spiritual life, where we connect it all and realize the higher purpose of being (yellow). Emerald then went through the aspects of living in an exaggerated way in any shield. Being depressed is exaggerated west shield. Being a workaholic is exaggerated north shield, etc.
This framing helped me realize that perhaps my 2.5 years of hiatus had been a period of west shield reflection time for me where I sorted through what I have, what I have done, what I want to keep and what I want to shed... and my time alone in Vision Fast would be a time to claim what I want, and to my full adulthood. Moving out of the dark internal stage I would move forward, however slowly, in this spiral of expansion and development.
The next few days were an exploration with the group guided by Emerald and Margaret, to reflect on what self-generated ceremony we could create on the Land. They talked about The Land and it's lessons for each of us, if we were present to receive. We were invited to ask the land for the gift of a message of how we can take our gifts to the people. It was made clear that this journey was one that was for the world, not for my own self. This spoke to me and I was moved. Yes, I want to serve with my highest gifts.
So what is stopping me? What is the roughness that seems to be providing resistance? Is it my perfectionism? I heard a snippet of public radio today that mentioned the conditioning of men to be courageous, and the conditioning of women to be perfect. Ouch! I resonated with that a lot! And I am gun-shy to move into a new area of vocation as I have changed careers once already and want to make the perfect choice this time.
I also suffer from wanting approval. And this is very painful and sticky for me because I do not wear the same shoes or pants or skirts that my parents wear. My clothes are very different, and my vehicle for life is very different, and much of how I live is a bit of a secret and hidden from many because I will be seen as different and then un-welcomed. A shaman once encouraged me to have spiritual confidence. This means to me to be confident with whatever spiritual practice that serves me, and not have fear about others' judgments. But I experience others as so intensely judgmental. Many friends in the science community might think me a cook if I mention my connection to God not to mention any devotional activities to God.
Emerald really challenged me that this desire for approval is rock sitting on my wings (my words). That it can cripple me and that my spirit is here to serve the world, and it WILL be different from what my mother or father or school friends expect of me.
I also suffer from wanting approval. And this is very painful and sticky for me because I do not wear the same shoes or pants or skirts that my parents wear. My clothes are very different, and my vehicle for life is very different, and much of how I live is a bit of a secret and hidden from many because I will be seen as different and then un-welcomed. A shaman once encouraged me to have spiritual confidence. This means to me to be confident with whatever spiritual practice that serves me, and not have fear about others' judgments. But I experience others as so intensely judgmental. Many friends in the science community might think me a cook if I mention my connection to God not to mention any devotional activities to God.
Emerald really challenged me that this desire for approval is rock sitting on my wings (my words). That it can cripple me and that my spirit is here to serve the world, and it WILL be different from what my mother or father or school friends expect of me.
After sweet guidance, reflection and exploring questions, we each created an intention. I created "I am a full adult healer-teacher and edgy elder."
I spent four days alone with the wild place of Ghost Ranch. I added up the hours of non-eating which was 108. I wonder if Emerald knew about this number. Hunger was with me every day until the last day.
Each day was it's own journey. One day was about creating an altar that was my own with mixed traditions, writing a song, and getting a very intimate visit from a very large snake that gave me permission to be different, be diligent and focused. One day was about an excursion into low-lying sculpted river arroyos with surprises of life, shape and depth where I experienced my confidence and strength. One was a day of rocks when I rinsed my shame into them and owned my real desires with the full moon. When I celebrated and ritualized this a band of coyotes reflected my intentions with such clear acknowledgement, I was intensely moved and validated. I experienced nature as a reflective listener many times. In the yowl of the coyotes, in the echos of the rocks, in the warmth of juniper's shelter, in the sound of rocks falling down with my heart, in the energy of my arms throwing them with the anger that they took to the river.
I can recall the juniper, the special rocks, the edge of the river, the swallows keeping watch over me... and I reconnect to that place of self-acceptance and self-attention that was the biggest act of love I have created for myself.
After the fast, I shared about it with my therapist in Gainesville. I talked about getting the message to live more vibrantly. Be with people more. Be in some action. Like watching a tennis match is good for some learning, but playing tennis you learn more. So I want to be in action, host sharing circles, host events and facilitate book discussions.
I told her about my experience on the last night of the fast connecting to big deep grief about my previous boss at the university; how I spent 7 years with her, and our relationship ended. I felt discarded after all that energy I put into the organization she and I jumpstarted together. All our time together culminated in a bad taste in her mouth and her not answering my emails, and no remnant of me on their website. My ego was crushed that there was no evidence that I had ever been there. My heart was hurt that I didn't feel any compassion or care from her. I cried for 2 hours grieving those things. I also grieved the realization that I hadn’t known myself enough to know that I wasn’t in service there; that I was not using my best skills while not giving her what she really needed. But I stayed anyway... I stayed even though I was not happy there, and she wasn't happy with me there. I didn't recognize when my energy had run it's course, and my lesson there was finished.
I spent two hours at 1 a.m. crying about this loss. About losing the relationship with my boss. Why was it so painful? What importance was I assigning to that person and that relationship? The power dynamic and my boss's personality were reminiscent of my relationship with my father I guess.
My internal little girl was waiting and yearning for approval and belonging with that boss and that organization... I didn't recognize that I was barking up the wrong tree, and my little girl was recreating the abandonment experience she had when she was 3. At that age, my father had a debilitating head injury from a car accident, and my parents both went to NYC for his hospitalization for 5 months. My three sisters and I all had different experiences of confusion, terror and abandonment, not having had it explained to us why the parents left or when they would return. I felt discarded in both of these cases.
The Vision Fast provided me with some cleansing of some weight of emotions... it provided me with clear space to express myself and yell, cry and be with myself without interruption or needing to clean things up. I could express fully with no timeline. I splayed out my body and heart on big rocks that were sun-baked and moon-bathed. I allowed my own body to be sun-baked and moon-bathed. And I felt transformed and cleansed and open for new possibilities for myself coming back home. It was not the transition I was expecting, but it was the transition I needed to experience... the letting go of past attachments to approval so I could move forward in my more authentic self.
#visionfast #visionquest #fasting #ceremony #ritual #selflove #selfgeneratedceremony #lostborders #ecotherapy #
Each day was it's own journey. One day was about creating an altar that was my own with mixed traditions, writing a song, and getting a very intimate visit from a very large snake that gave me permission to be different, be diligent and focused. One day was about an excursion into low-lying sculpted river arroyos with surprises of life, shape and depth where I experienced my confidence and strength. One was a day of rocks when I rinsed my shame into them and owned my real desires with the full moon. When I celebrated and ritualized this a band of coyotes reflected my intentions with such clear acknowledgement, I was intensely moved and validated. I experienced nature as a reflective listener many times. In the yowl of the coyotes, in the echos of the rocks, in the warmth of juniper's shelter, in the sound of rocks falling down with my heart, in the energy of my arms throwing them with the anger that they took to the river.
I can recall the juniper, the special rocks, the edge of the river, the swallows keeping watch over me... and I reconnect to that place of self-acceptance and self-attention that was the biggest act of love I have created for myself.
After the fast, I shared about it with my therapist in Gainesville. I talked about getting the message to live more vibrantly. Be with people more. Be in some action. Like watching a tennis match is good for some learning, but playing tennis you learn more. So I want to be in action, host sharing circles, host events and facilitate book discussions.
I told her about my experience on the last night of the fast connecting to big deep grief about my previous boss at the university; how I spent 7 years with her, and our relationship ended. I felt discarded after all that energy I put into the organization she and I jumpstarted together. All our time together culminated in a bad taste in her mouth and her not answering my emails, and no remnant of me on their website. My ego was crushed that there was no evidence that I had ever been there. My heart was hurt that I didn't feel any compassion or care from her. I cried for 2 hours grieving those things. I also grieved the realization that I hadn’t known myself enough to know that I wasn’t in service there; that I was not using my best skills while not giving her what she really needed. But I stayed anyway... I stayed even though I was not happy there, and she wasn't happy with me there. I didn't recognize when my energy had run it's course, and my lesson there was finished.
I spent two hours at 1 a.m. crying about this loss. About losing the relationship with my boss. Why was it so painful? What importance was I assigning to that person and that relationship? The power dynamic and my boss's personality were reminiscent of my relationship with my father I guess.
My internal little girl was waiting and yearning for approval and belonging with that boss and that organization... I didn't recognize that I was barking up the wrong tree, and my little girl was recreating the abandonment experience she had when she was 3. At that age, my father had a debilitating head injury from a car accident, and my parents both went to NYC for his hospitalization for 5 months. My three sisters and I all had different experiences of confusion, terror and abandonment, not having had it explained to us why the parents left or when they would return. I felt discarded in both of these cases.
The Vision Fast provided me with some cleansing of some weight of emotions... it provided me with clear space to express myself and yell, cry and be with myself without interruption or needing to clean things up. I could express fully with no timeline. I splayed out my body and heart on big rocks that were sun-baked and moon-bathed. I allowed my own body to be sun-baked and moon-bathed. And I felt transformed and cleansed and open for new possibilities for myself coming back home. It was not the transition I was expecting, but it was the transition I needed to experience... the letting go of past attachments to approval so I could move forward in my more authentic self.
